Advice from older members

[robertd]

So, i'm now less than a month away from getting married. A lot of my friends have told me that the first 6 months is critical. So, any older members who are married have any good advice? Or if divorced, any advice on what NOT to do?

[jrozz34]

Kind of depends on your situation...my wife and I dated for seven years and lived together for six before we got married, so not much really changed for us.

Best advice I can give is to not waste time on nonsense...if you have a stupid fight (inevitable), just move past it as quickly as possible. It is easier to forgive, apologize and forget than it is to waste your time holding a grudge over it. Save your time and trouble for legit problems.

[ucladavid]

As someone is in the process of getting divorced, my advice is to always assume that your wife is right. Even when I know I am 100% right, it was best for me not to argue with her if she thought she was 100% right. Only exception would be is if you have proof that she is wrong and not to make her feel bad about it.

Also I agree with jrozz because my wife could not let go over the stupid little stuff in the relationship.

[shlocko]

I'm in the process of getting divorced, but I was married for five years. Some things I've learned:

Don't let it be about money.

Talk things over.

Resolve issues before they become crises.

Don't go to bed angry.

Have your own friends and your own time.

Have some alone time, have some personal space to retreat to.

Don't fuck any of her friends. Or her sister, if she has one. (Unless she's into threesomes with her friends. Then its okay.)

No matter what route you take to a destination, if you don't go the way she goes, you will be wrong.

Assume that she will think that you can read minds. Telling her that you cannot will not alleviate this problem.

My ex-wife assumed that I was an idiot who had only made it to the age that I was when we met through random chance.

[ucladavid]

I agree 100% with Shlocko about what he just said especially the last one.

Also, the other thing I would say is to communicate is the most important thing. If something is constantly bothering you or her, resolve it with your partner before it becomes a big issue.

[yj2310]

I loved Shlocko's advice. Pretty solid.

Ive been with my wife since 2000, we married in 09 and have two kids. Id say trust and communication are the most important things.

[robertd]

Thanks for the advice guys. We've been dating since '07 and engaged since '10, and have had some rough patches, but worked through most things. Our biggest hangup has been my career. As a chef, i'm at work more than i'm at home. Most holidays except Thanksgiving and Christmas, and pretty much every weekend, with an average of 60 hours a week. Even though at 35, i'm moving into the management side of things and less working the line, it's still trying. That seems to be the biggest thing we will deal with that I know for sure.

[Caliber]

I loved Shlocko's "don't fuck her friends" advice. The last one, about how she thought you were an idiot is true too. I don't know why women think that, but goddamn do they.

I've never been married, but I lived with a woman for 3 years. My best advice, is the same advice my idol, hero, and mentor Adam Carolla says;

Two Tivos [DVR] and space.

He couldn't be more right. If you have space, then you can breathe. If you have your own Tivo, or DVR, then you can load it up with bad-ass stuff and not have to worry about her Ghost Whisperers, or Hallmark Channel movies.

[aratcliffe]

Oh, Caliber...sigh.

[aratcliffe]

In any event, I presume the wedding went off without a hitch, so congrats. I've been married for nearly 10 years, and while we've had some specific challenges and misunderstandings, it's been fairly peaceful and strong. As said above, communicate, communicate, and communicate some more. There's really no need to adhere to stereotypes and sitcom cliches of what a marriage should be--just do what you can to discover your roles and strengths in the relationship and try to honor and respect each other in the process. We treat our marriage like a partnership--neither party is held down by the other or forced into submission (not speaking sexually here) or any of that unnecessary bullshit.

We also laugh. A lot. We're basically two big fuckin' dorks, but that totally works for us. Know when to add some levity, keep it light from time to time, but still take the important things seriously.

One last thing: we just saw This is 40, and damn, did Apatow nail it on that one. That depiction of marriage felt incredibly realistic, both the highs and lows, and kinda showing what to avoid and how to go about it. Loved that film.

[Caliber]

I may get the "sigh", but I know what I'm talking about. I've had a ton of friends get married, and I've seen all their parents' marriages from the inside.

[aratcliffe]

I don't doubt or deny that--it's that your hero/mentor figure is Carolla.

[Caliber]

Ooh.

What's your beef with Adam?

[parallax1978]

Pick your battles. If you don't like something she does ask yourself "Is this important enough to me to make an issue out of it?" if so then do so in the best way you can... if not then suck it up and just say "Ok dear"

Always give a shit... even when you don't. Giving your opinion on little things means a lot to women... even though 90% of the time you won't give even 1 fuck just say "That one" and pick one (you will also be shocked at how rarely she chooses the one you told her).

Try and find common interests... but also take some time for yourself... but not too much... its really not an exact art... just trying to be excellent to one another and PARTY ON DUDE